Regret
by kellineedsatony
Summary: CJ is forced to come to terms with her biggest regret after a story leaks to the press. CJ/Toby friendship, CJ/Danny relationship. TW: mentions/ vague description of sexual assault.
1. Chapter 1

_BEEP BEEP BEEP_

CJ awoke to the violent pinging of her Blackberry, vibrating from its perch across the room. She groaned and summoned the energy to face what was sure to be a crazy day. After dragging herself out of bed, she glanced at the clock to find that it was technically not day at all; it was only 4:32 a.m. _What could have possibly happened at this hour?_ She wondered to herself, before walking across the room to find out.

CJ's phone showed three missed calls and seventeen unread texts from Toby. As she opened them, knowing it couldn't possibly be good news, not at this hour, she sighed. The first text read _PLEASE CALL_ , and it was followed by numerous variations on that urgent sentiment.

CJ heeded Toby's wishes and called. He picked up on the first ring, sounding strungout, which wasn't atypical, but also something else, something unexpected. He sounded tentative, like he was treading on ice.

"What's going on?" CJ asked.

"I have some bad news. I just got a call from Danny about a story that's about to break." Toby began.

"What's the story? Is it about the peace summit?"

"It's about you." Toby answered somberly. "They know."

"Oh God." CJ immediately realized what he was referring to. They knew. She had worked so hard to keep this secret, her only secret in such a public world, and they had still wrenched it out of the dark, locked room where she had successfully hidden it for so long.

"You okay?" Toby asked.

"Yeah. I'll be there in twenty." CJ replied in a monotone voice as she threw on a suit, preparing to face what she knew was coming.


	2. Chapter 2

As she drove to the White House in silence, forgoing her usual morning news, CJ anxiously imagined what the contents of the story might be. She wondered how they would frame it, how they would relate it to her work, how they would characterize her- a slut, a homewrecker, any other vulgar term referring to a woman.

She had never regretted anything more than that night. She thought about it all the time, thought about all the different choices she could have, should have made. Should have known it wasn't just another business dinner. Should have stopped after one drink. Should have called a cab instead of accepting his offer of a ride. Should have, should have, should have.

But now, it was too late. It had happened, and everyone knew it had happened. She walked into her office with her head held high, but the look on her face betrayed her facade of confidence. Toby sat there waiting for her, and when she entered the room, he stretched out his arms for a hug. This uncharacteristically sweet behavior from Toby, of all people, reinforced CJ's knowlege of the seriousness of the situation.

She then sat down at her desk and decided to handle this like she would handle any other breaking scandal.

"Do you have the story?"

"Yes. Do you want to read it?"

"It's my job to read it."

"Okay." Toby handed over the story given to him by the _Post_ reporter, who had given it to him in a weak attempt at a favor to prepare for the anger coming his way from the West Wing.

As CJ read the story, one section jumped out at her: _Ms. Cregg has never been in a public long-term relationship_. _When asked about this, her response is typically "my work is my passion." Perhaps her passion for her work drove her into bed with a married man in an attempt to advance her career. What is clear is that Ms. Cregg is responsible for a serious breach of professional ethics, and must resign._

"They make no reference to him having any responsibility for the situation, or the fact that you opposed most of his initiatives, or your successful career in your own right." Toby said indignantly.

CJ just sat quietly, absorbing the story's harsh attacks and attempting to formulate a logical response through her clouded emotions.

"There's something I never told you." she said, and then paused. "I... I didn't..." she sighed. She didn't know how to present this news to Toby in a way that would keep him from storming out of her office and going to strangle John Hoynes.

"What is it?" Toby asked with a nervous, serious edge to his voice.

"We went out for what was supposed to be a business dinner to discuss his image leading up to a possible future Presidential run. At the dinner, I tried to drive the conversation towards interviews and events, but it became clear that he wasn't interested. He ordered a full bottle of wine for the two of us, and kept refilling my glass. I drank some, but I wasn't drunk or anything.

It got pretty late, and I had work the next morning, so I said I needed to head home for the night. I usually took cabs, but it had been a long day, and so I relented to what I thought was a gentlemanly offer to take me home. He escorted me to his car, and when we got to my apartment, he insisted on walking me up. I thought it was strange, but he was a powerful Senator, so I agreed. Then he persuaded me to let him in, then to have a drink, then another. I somehow failed to notice that when he put water in his drink, he didn't do the same for mine. Everything became hazy.

I don't remember anything until the next morning, when I woke up naked and alone in my bed. After a few confused minutes where I hardly knew my own name, I realized what had happened. My heart dropped, and I sat there frozen for about an hour before realizing I was late for work. I managed to drag myself out of bed and go to work. I never seriously considered reporting him, I mean, no one would have believed me. They would have said I was just a lonely single woman who had a one night stand she regretted. We've never spoken about that night. I've never told anyone. I hoped I would never have to." she said stoically. She maintained her composed presence, successfully shielding her inner turmoil.

"CJ. I'm so sorry." Toby looked at her, clearly devastated by this revelation about his best friend.

"It's okay, Toby. Really. I'm fine, I've gotten over it. Now we just have to figure out how to keep this from hurting the President."

"You got raped and all you're worried about is how it will affect the President's approval rating? CJ, you don't have to be a martyr. You need to go public. You're probably not the only woman he's done this to."

"Are you crazy? I have worked too hard to allow my career to be ruined by him. Do you know how hard it was for me to overcome this? To work near him, see him all the time, have to cordially greet him with 'Hello, Mr. Vice President.' I'm the White House Press Secretary. I survived while he ruined his own career. I am respected in this town, and I'm not giving all that up to be the next Anita Hill."

"I know you think that no one will believe you. But I think we can do this. We can tell the truth. Please, consider doing an interview. You can pick the reporter, I'm sure they'll all be plenty interested. Just don't let him get away with this. You shouldn't have to take the punishment for his crime. Not after all he's done to you."

CJ looked away. The truth was, she knew she ought to do an interview. She knew that there were probably other victims, her story was going to be public anyway, might as well have the real version out there, but she was terrified. She sat frozen for several minutes before deciding. She picked up her phone and called Danny Concannon.

"Hey. It's me. I need a favor."


	3. Chapter 3

CJ sat in her office, silently awaiting what was sure to be a very uncomfortable conversation with Danny. She was glad she had chosen him to write the story, given that he was an incredible reporter whom she fully trusted, but their _friendship_ of sorts made the idea of telling him, a reporter, a man she-

Her thoughts were interrupted by a gentle knock at the door.

"Come in." CJ said, steeling herself for what was to come.

Danny entered the room and sat down.

"So. How are you?" he said in an uncharacteristically careful tone.

"I've been better, I've been worse. Let's just get on with it."

"Okay. What's this favor you need?"

"How would you like an exclusive with the White House Press Secretary?" CJ asked.

Danny looked confused, but he went along with it. "Sounds good. When?"

"Now."

"Okay. Wanna tell me what this is about?"

"You know what this is about." He didn't respond. "Danny, I want to warn you- this might not be easy to hear or write." she sighed, then told him what had happened. He listened quietly to her entire story, never revealing a single emotion, then paused for a moment before asking "who knows?"

"Off the record: until this morning, no one. I've just told Toby, Josh, and the President."

"Did you go to the hospital?"

"No. I had some cuts and bruises, but otherwise I was physically fine."

"Did you go to the police?"

"I had no proof. I knew they would never believe me over him."

His calm, professional mask temporarily revealed his anguish on her behalf.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's fine, I'm over it." CJ was determined not to appear weak in front of him, in front of anyone, but she knew he saw through her excuse. "So. When can you run the piece? I'd like to get it out quickly after the first article."

"I'll handle it." Danny responded in a serious tone. "Let me know if there's anything else I can do."

He left CJ's office, closing the door softly behind him. She slid back into her chair and stared hopelessly at Gail.


	4. Chapter 4

The next day, CJ was sitting in her office pretending to be calm when Carol entered and said "CJ, Danny's story is online. There are tons of reporters calling. What should I say?"

"Yeah, I was expecting that. Tell them I will not be making any further comments at this time, the story speaks for itself."  
"Okay. Are you sure there's nothing I can do for you?"

"I'm fine, thank you Carol."

CJ pushed the story out of her mind. The President was about to embark on a major healthcare initiative, and she needed to prepare for her briefing. She was able to sit quietly in her office reading about Medicaid for about ten minutes before Josh appeared.

"CJ. I just saw Danny's story. I'm going to destroy Hoynes. I'm going to end his political career. I'm going to make sure he never comes near you or anyone else ever again. God, I can't believe I ever worked for such a scumbag. Is there anything I can do to help you handle this?"

"Thanks Josh, but I'm fine. I had to tell the truth because someone was about to publish a false version of the story, but I really don't want to take attention away from the President's agenda. We've got more important things to do than worry about my past."

"CJ, this is important and you know it. You're not the only woman to ever go through this. You have an opportunity to be an example of strength and courage here." he paused. "Of course, I'd understand if you just wanted to kill him, or block it out of your mind forever, or never tell anyone. It's totally your choice how you want to respond. I just don't want you to think that there is something more important to this administration than justice."

CJ smiled, grateful for Josh's indignation and compassion on her behalf.

"I know. I just want to move on with my life. I know I'll get asked about it at the briefing today, but I feel like I've said all I want to say. Has Hoynes commented?"

Josh sighed.

"Yeah. He released a statement vehemently denying all accusations against him. He said everything that happened was consensual, that you were encouraging him. What a bastard."

"I was expecting that. I don't know what I can do to prove it beyond tell the story, I mean, all the evidence is surely destroyed by now."

"Did you go to the hospital after?"

CJ looked somewhat ashamed. "No. I blamed myself for what had happened, and I thought that if I just ignored it, I would be fine. That's why I never told anyone. Sorry about that, by the way."

"It's okay, CJ. This is not your fault, and you have the right to respond however you want. Don't feel obligated to do anything, but just know that whatever you decide, this administration will be fully behind you. I'm going to draft a statement on behalf of the President that reaffirms his support for the Violence Against Women Act and Title IX. I won't mention you, of course, but I think people will get what we're saying. We all believe you CJ, and we've got your back."

CJ silently absorbed the weight of Josh's words and found herself incredibly grateful to work with such incredible people. She was still terrified of briefing later that day, but she knew she was not facing this alone.


	5. Chapter 5

That afternoon, CJ walked into the briefing room with her head held high, ready to face the chaos of the White House Press Corps. As she entered the room, it fell silent, and she could feel 50 sets of eyes staring at her intently, trying to figure out what she would say. She approached the podium and announced with her usual grace

"Good afternoon. Some of you may be aware that the _Washington Post_ ran a story about me this afternoon. I will not be taking any questions on this matter; I will be reading a brief statement then we will continue with the briefing as usual."

The press corps looked frustrated, given that the revelation about CJ was by far the day's biggest story. However, they remained alert waiting for her statement.

"It is true that several years ago I was sexually assaulted by former Vice President John Hoynes. I will now attempt to answer any questions you may have wanted to ask.

Had I been drinking? Yes. I had had what I now recognize was too much to drink; however, my being obviously unconscious should have been a signal of my inability to consent.

Did I go to the police? No. I felt, and still feel, that Vice President Hoynes' position, my incapacitation at the time of the crime, and the general attitude towards victims of sexual assault would have precluded me from receiving justice.

Did I tell anyone? No. Until two days ago, when I discovered that a story was breaking about my so-called affair with Vice President Hoynes, I had told no one. As I prepared for the story to drop I told the following people: President Bartlet, Mrs. Bartlet, Toby Ziegler, Josh Lyman, Danny Concannon, and a few close friends.

Does the President have a statement? No, as I have told you many times, the White House does not comment on the personal lives of staff members.

In closing, I would like to ask you all to please respect the very personal and serious nature of this story. I won't be taking questions about this matter. Thank you. Now moving on to the briefing as usual."

CJ took a breath; she had done it. She had survived the moment that had terrified her. Now she was able to move on and focus on what she wanted to focus on instead of letting her past dictate her future.


End file.
